Hogwarts v Hagrid: A Play in One Act
by MotherofBulls
Summary: The Board of Governors retains an independent counsel to determine whether Hagrid truly is a menace to the student body of Hogwarts. Will Hagrid lose his job?


**Hey guys! I'm total trash, so I wrote this.**

 **The amazingly talented Hystaracal was my beta for this story, and she created the gorgeous cover art. I thank her bunches.**

 **I dedicate this story to HeartofAspen as an engagement present. Seriously, this story wouldn't even exist if not for her announcement thread.**

 **Enjoy! (or don't)**

* * *

(The camera zeroes in on Hogwarts. Mighty. Resplendent. Epic.)

(Suddenly, the camera speeds through the grounds, through hillocks and shrubberies and squirrels doing inappropriate things to each other in the Whomping Willow, finally to settle on Hagrid's hut. A warm glow emanates through the window and the chimney quaintly emits a delicate rope of smoke.)

(A second camera takes us inside Hagrid's hut. Hagrid sits in an armchair near the fire with Fang slumbering at his feet. J.K. Rowling sits in the armchair next to his. Another figure is also present: A woman with chestnut brown hair, severe features, and an even more severe black suit sits in a third armchair with her legs crossed and a legal pad propped up on her lap, full of illegible, sprawling chicken-scratch writing. This person is Yours Truly. Hagrid and J.K. Rowling look mildly exasperated.)

Yours Truly (hereinafter, "YT"): (holds a finger up) One sec. (texts furiously on her phone) Okaaay…and sent. Alright. That's everyone on my emergency contacts list. They all know I'm here in case of serious bodily injury or death.

J.K. Rowling (hereinafter, "JKR"): Why would you suffer serious bodily—

YT: Thank you again for having me here, Hagrid.

Hagrid: O' course! Happy ter do it!

(A moment of awkward silence descends upon the three)

YT: (clears throat) So. Hagrid.

Hagrid: The one n' only!

YT: (tries to smile, but fails. The result is a drowsy exposure of her teeth) Hagrid. You are the groundskeeper here at Hogwarts.

Hagrid: All thanks to Professor Dumbledore, sir. A great man. A _great_ man.

YT: Sure. I mean, he was kind of a shit too.

Hagrid: (eye twitching) Yeh don' mean that. (fingers fumble towards his pink umbrella) Yeh'd never insult Professor Dumbledore, sir in my presence.

JKR: Hagrid. It's just a fan's interpretation of the character. Not everyone liked Albus Dumbledore. (turns to look at the camera) AND I'M FINE WITH THAT. Totally. I mean, I might have been more explicit in the books that he was a LGBTQ character and _maybe_ that would have changed some people's minds, but I can assure you that IT WAS ALWAYS MY INTENTION THAT DUMBLEDORE BE GAY.

YT: (clears throat) Right. Anyway. Hagrid. Do you know why I'm here?

Hagrid: (looks at hands folded in lap) I did somethin' bad.

YT: Yes, Hagrid. You are being sued by the Hogwarts Board of Governors for reckless endangerment of the student body. Do you understand why?

JKR: He's not going to answer that.

YT: Fine. Hagrid, do you understand that I am here as an independent counsel, a mediator retained by the school, so we can all handle this matter amiably.

Hagrid: I don' much know what that word "amy-blee" means. But I can tell yeh this much. I never put any o' those students in danger. This has Lucius Malfoy written all over it. He's got it out for me, he has.

YT: (squints eyes critically) Interesting. I've taken the liberty to interview some of the students themselves to evaluate their own thoughts on the matter. Would you like to hear what they say?

Hagrid: Oh, yes, I'd love ter hear what me students have ter say abou' me! Especially Harry Potter. He's my best friend, yeh know.

YT: (turns to JKR) Does he know…that _he's_ not Harry's best friend?

JKR: (shrugs and mouths "I don't know")

YT: Right. Well, Hagrid, if you don't mind. I'm going to read some of the students' statements to you. (clears throat) "I took Hagrid's class because I heard from a bunch of boys in the year above that I'd get to see a mermaid naked. I have yet to see a mermaid naked, but I have seen Acromantulas mating, and I don't think I'll ever be able to _not_ see Acromantulas mating when I close my eyes at night. Our final project was to learn to play a seductive song on the harp to help the Acromantulas during mating season. I hate Hagrid and I hope he loses his job." (looks up from paper and eyes Hagrid) Shall I continue?

Hagrid: (eyes beginning to pinken) Uh…go ahead.

YT: "Hagrid is a well-meaning individual with a passion for magical creatures. He cares about his students in a totally non-creepy old-man hanging out with teenagers kind of way, and I truly don't believe he would ever _intend_ to put any of his students in danger."

Hagrid: Aw. Ain' that nice?

YT: " _However_ —"

Hagrid: Oh yer not finished yet? Alright.

YT: "—Hagrid's zeal for magical creatures has manifested in potentially unhealthy ways, as he seems to prefer creatures which can only be described as 'monsters' over less harmful, more appropriate creatures for a class curriculum."

Hagrid: "Well tha's a bit unfair."

YT: "It is my opinion—"

Hagrid: Oh, Godric's flamin' ballsack. There's more.

YT: "—that Hagrid's talents would be better served as groundskeeper here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and that it would behoove the school to fill the teaching position with someone who possesses a more classical education and a less terrifying penchant for magical creatures."

Hagrid: (narrows eyes) Say, uh…there were some mighty big words in tha' letter. Who wrote that?

YT: I am unable to divulge that infor—

JKR: It was Hermione Granger, wasn't it?

YT: Yes. Yes, it was. Shall I read another?

Hagrid: (hand disappears into robe pocket to unearth handkerchief) Might as well.

YT: "Hagrid is a great stupid oaf with poor beard management and appalling body odor." (squints) Okay. This one is just mean. Yeah. I'm not going to read the rest of it out loud. (squints) Something about a 'great bloody chicken' that nearly tore the student's arm off.

Hagrid: THAT'S A LIE! Buckbeak never hurt that little Malfoy brat!

YT: Please, Hagrid. We're trying to keep names out of this. Just be professional.

Hagrid: I'M TELLIN' YEH—

JKR: Be nice and I'll give you a sphynx kitten.

Hagrid: (sits back in his seat docilely)

YT: (mouth open) That seems…. extremely unsafe.

JKR: Tomato, tomato.

YT: No, really, I mean that thing will grow up and constantly bombard him with riddles that he'll probably be unable to answer and you _know_ he'll get the stuffing mauled out of him.

JKR: (shrugs) I just kind of want to see how he handles it.

YT: (arms folded) K. (returns attention to Hagrid) The Board also notes that there have been instances of extreme misplaced anger. Hagrid, do you often lose your temper with students?

Hagrid: Only that cad Lucius Malfoy's boy! I swear, I should have let Buckbeak make him his bitch.

JKR: (clears throat pointedly) Sphynx. Kitten.

YT: (scribbling furious notes into her legal pad) Right. Um…there was also talk of a giant living on the grounds.

Hagrid: Me baby brother, Grawp!

JKR: (looks distantly out the window) I've made a huge mistake.

YT: But you didn't _actually_ ask three fifteen-year-old human children with undeveloped, non-adult bodies to keep a dangerous, 12 ton giant company did you?

JKR: The _hugest_ of mistakes.

Hagrid: O' _course_ I did! Harry Potter'd do anything for me.

YT: (face palms) Yes, but Hagrid…they're _kids_. They're only fifteen. The only adventure they're supposed to have involves sneaking flasks of booze into school functions and doing hand and mouth stuff with each other. They shouldn't be responsible for…and I mean this in the most respectful way possible…a _literal_ monster.

Hagrid: A _harmless_ and _noble_ creature.

JKR: (suddenly holding a glass of gin and sipping leisurely at it) _A huge fucking mistake_. I simply wanted to create a commentary on how racism divides families and societies, and Hagrid was supposed to be this transcendent fucking character whose biracial background left him an outsider in both worlds and—

YT: Please, Jo, don't hurt yourself. (turns attention back to half-giant on the verge of tears) Okay, okay. (sits back in chair and tries to hide her grin) I promised myself I wasn't going to do this, but Hagrid. I've gotta know. (leans in) How the fuck did a nice guy like your dad get close enough to a _full-blooded she-giant_ to impregnate her?

Hagrid and JKR: (squint, pondering the implications of the question)

JKR: You know… (stares into space) I didn't fucking think of that.

YT: I mean it's kind of like when a male Chihuahua mates with a female Great Dane. The first thing we all have to ask ourselves is _How_? And then, of course...there's the _Why?_

Hagrid: Me dad was a great man.

YT: Yeah, but he fucked a giant! That's messed up. _Why_ , Hagrid? _Why_? That is the question of the hour regarding so many things about you.

Hagrid: I ain' a philosopher or anythin'. All I can say is, me dad was a good bloke an' he loved me. I never really asked him how he managed to… you know…? (makes a weird hand motion and whistles a bit. One is left with the impression that Hagrid might not know how babies are actually made)

YT: Alright Hagrid…let me move onto another Board complaint. The report says that when Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, and Hermione Granger were twelve-years-old, you asked them to sneak into the Forbidden Forest to hang out with Aragog, a giant honking spider devil with a blood-thirsty brood of terrifying monster children. Do you _see_ what is wrong with that?

Hagrid: Absolutely. Hermione weren't there for that at all! It were just Harry and Ron.

YT and JKR: (face palms)

YT: Hagrid… (runs hand on face) I want to be clear with you…these are _very_ serious allegations. Bringing a horrifying, giant, three-headed Cerberus into the school—

Hagrid: MR. DUMBLEDORE, SIR _ASKED_ ME TER TO THAT!

YT: -harboring a baby dragon on school grounds—

Hagrid: (eyes full of tears) Yeh should a _seen_ 'im! He were _glorious_!

YT: -forcing your students to take care of exploding rat scorpions as a final project—

JKR: Oh, the Blast-Ended Skrewts. (sniggers) Shit, I _forgot_ about those. (sips gin) Yeah, this sounds pretty bad now that I hear it all at once. (throws gin back)

YT: And Hagrid... (gestures towards the plate of "treats" on the coffee table between them) the rock cakes? Really?

Hagrid: (dries eyes) Yeh want some rock cakes?

YT: (chuckles) Not even if I was dying. It's just baffling to me that you can, in fact, bake, as evident from the oddly delicious-looking pink-frosted chocolate cake you made Harry for his birthday in the first book, but when you entertain eleven-year-olds, which is a whole other can of worms we don't have time to unpack today, you feed them inedible _trash_ that could break their teeth!

JKR: Hold up. (narrows eyes) This is starting to sound…oddly specific. Have you read my work?

YT: OF COURSE I'VE READ YOUR WORK, I'M NOT AN ANIMAL! (flips through legal pad) Hagrid…please tell me you're not drinking heavily on castle grounds, are you?

Hagrid: I uh…(hiccups) Nope!

YT: I ask because your drinking nearly led to the total annihilation of three eleven-year-old students and also, you're a teacher, so it's kind of the height of unprofessionalism for you to be consuming that much alcohol around a bunch of kids.

JKR: Technically, Hermione was twelve at the time, so—

YT: NERDS! I don't care how old everyone was, it's still pretty fucking weird, amiright?

JKR: You know, the werewolf virus was a commentary on the stigma against HIV?

YT: (ignoring JKR) Is it also true that you tried to talk some of the students into giving less than favorable reviews of Professor Grubbyprank—

JKR: Grubbly-Plank

YT: -some ridiculous, made up name. Anyway, her class. She was a perfectly good teacher, and yet during fifth year, you tried to talk some of the students into tanking her reviews because you were worried Umbitch would terminate you, is that correct?

Hagrid: Well, they offered.

YT: (chuckles) No, they didn't. Hermione Granger would never offer to do that.

Hagrid: There were an _implication_.

YT: _That_ word you know? You can't even master the basic grammatical foundations of that sentence, but you know the word "implication"? And that leads me to my next concern. Your reading comprehension level is severely beneath the mean for professors at prestigious private schools - are you aware of this, Hagrid?

Hagrid: Readin' is somethin' we don' teach here at Hogwarts. It don' matter.

YT: (blinks at a speed normally reserved for seizures) So, that's your answer. "It don't matter." Reading…doesn't matter. Jo, anything you'd like to say on that?

JKR: (chugging a bottle of gin) Hagrid, no sphynx kitten for you.

Hagrid: (cries loudly)

JKR: (sighs) How did I let this happen? I created a professor who not only didn't finish school, but he may even be totally illiterate.

YT: Let's talk about Fang for a second.

(Fang wakes up, covered in a thin film of foamy slobber. He growls a little)

YT: Exactly. Has he had his rabies shots? I mean, he's around kids ALL DAY.

JKR: (pouring herself another gin) Who even knows? You know, it's canon that Fang is actually a transexual dog.

YT: There is no way that's correct.

Hagrid: (continues to howl) Albus…Dumbledore…(hiccup) sir, was a great man.

YT: Yeah, he was okay sometimes. The point is, Hagrid, _you're_ a nice guy. An _extremely_ nice man who is just…maybe…not very smart. But you're super nice. I can see why students like you.

Hagrid: (wipes eyes) Thank you.

YT: That said, I think perhaps the best course of action would be for you to continue in your position as groundskeeper, but maybe teaching isn't for you.

Hagrid: But… (wipes eyes some more) the Board wants to sack me.

YT: I'll mediate. There will be no sacking. Also, I'm pretty sure they can't do that because of the union. But this is a win for everyone. After all, didn't Albus Dumbledore say some shit about there always being a place at Hogwarts for someone who wants it?

Hagrid: (wails loudly at the mention of Albus Dumbledore)

JKR: (sniggers, sipping her gin) I don't even fucking care anymore.

YT: As a disturbingly attractive teenage Voldemort once said, "Monsters don't make good pets, Hagrid."

Hagrid: _They ain't monsters!_ You people just don' _understand_!

YT: And also…I mean…maybe don't send babies on weird, deathy quests anymore.

JKR: Technically, they weren't babies. I mean they were extremely mature for their ag—

YT: Oh, my god. NERDS!

 _The End_


End file.
